The Proposal :)

Everyone has been asking how he proposed, so I decided to write it out so people can read it!  I was also (sadly) pretty sick this weekend so if I haven't returned your call yet, I apologize I will do it.

Okay, so back in July I told Jordan that I wanted to Karaoke for my birthday.  I love karaoke and I've wanted to get a room with friends for a while now so my birthday was the perfect time for that.  Fast forward to my birthday WOOP WOOP!!!  For those who don't know, Jordan lives near Corpus Christi about 3 hrs from me, so the day of my birthday I was working and he took off so when I arrived home from work he had cleaned my apartment and had presents, flowers and cupcakes on display for me.

I opened my presents and he said "This is just a small gift, I'll give you your big gift tomorrow at the party." Of course I asked why haha and he said he wanted me to have something to open from him along with my other gifts from friends.  Next day, we got massages and he took me to get a pedicure, super relaxing! In hindsight, I wish he had also told me to get a manicure lol but that's okay.

He left for the party early, he told me he wanted to get the room set up. I arrived, friends arrived and I sang until my heart was content.  Now I have begged Jordan to sing at karaoke with me and the answer was almost always "No," singing in public really is not his thing. So I did ask one more time that he make an exception for my birthday and sing to me at karaoke and he did not disappoint.

He grabbed the microphone and said "You asked me to sing you a special song for your birthday so here it is."  As soon as the song started playing I started crying because I knew how the song ended.  Everyone, and I do mean everyone in the room had their phones out and he pulled me out of my seat to finish the song and I was shaking like a leaf!!  Side note: the song started playing again and my friend couldn't figure out how to turn his phone off, it was pretty funny.  But, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife and of course I said "Yes!!"

OH! and the box had a light in it haha, that was a fun surprise.  The song he sang is pasted below.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oK4jdexjgz4

A Love Worth Waiting For

Six Months ago I made a commitment to the Lord that I would be patient when it comes to dating.  I promised to rid myself of the anxiety of waiting for “the infamous one” and focus on the real ONE.

As I reread my post (that I actually think I have only read once since I wrote it) I now recognize how my initial analogy has come full circle. 

In the past dating for me was like a game of hide and seek with a small child.  I would try to hide and when someone came looking I would quickly pop up and say “here I am” without ever giving them the chance to find me on their own.

Beginning early in 2012, the Lord kept telling me it was time to grow up.  I was never fully sure which areas of my life He was speaking most directly to but each night I would pray “Lord, help me to grow up.”  Looking back I see that one of the biggest areas He wanted to me to grow up in was in dating.

When I finally committed to truly keeping my heart hidden in God, He did what he wanted to do all along and put it in the right hiding place - in Him.  Now I’m sure you can think of a time playing hide and seek as a child where you found THE BEST spot ever, you knew no one would find you there and you could stay hidden there forever.  For me, mine was on the top of a dresser in my sister’s closet.  I could go, hide and probably even fall asleep without ever being caught. That’s the beauty of playing hide and seek when you are a little older and a little wiser, the fun isn’t in letting someone find you, the fun is making it near impossible for them to find you – a search that the faint of heart aren’t willing to take.  So, there was my heart, hidden in Christ, out of plan view where only the most diligent of seekers could find me. And just like any good hiding place, I got comfortable there, reached a state of peace and contentment where i was not longer anxiously waiting for who would find me. 

Time passed on and for the first time in my life there was no distress to accompany my total and complete singleness.  No longing for affection, no itching for attention – Jesus satisfied every single secret petition of my heart.  It was in this state that God, like any good father would do;  revealed my hiding place to the seeker who would had no intention of ever giving up his search.  Thinking back to those games of hide and seek, I remember I would always like to tell my parents where I was and I would say “we’re playing hide and seek but don’t tell them where I am.”  I would get a smile and a wink of sworn secrecy which to me meant they had not taken an oath of silence. Along comes the seeker, but my parents didn't give away the place immediately, they always enjoyed watching the other child search and search and search again, until just at the right moment they give a nod of affirmation confirming that all there searching has not been in vain.

As it turns out, my seeker began his search for me a year and a half before I had even found my hiding place. While I was yet making myself available to all the wrong men, he was asking the Lord for clues on how to get to my heart. While I played the game all wrong, he was waiting for the opportunity to end that game for me once and for all.  Long before I was aware that I wanted someone to go to God first for me, he was making his requests known.

My state of singleness contentment in Christ was interrupted and I found myself face to face with, literally, the man of my dreams.  My natural trepidation came when I thought I had mistakenly given my hiding place away again.  So much so, that even upon discovering the truth of his long and tumultuous conquest to my heart I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship.  I BALLED my eyes out to God, I thought it was a test, a very cruel cruel test.  Here before me was a man that I had dreamed about for years, and I thought God wanted me to prove that I loved Him more by walking away.  When faced with that, I told God I would.  I vowed to hold true to my promise to keep HIM first. So for another three months we prayed, and prayed and prayed and prayed for direction on what He wanted us to do.  And in my moment of weakness I shared with this wonderful man that I worried he would get tired of waiting for me (after all he had already waited 18 months to share his feelings) certainly he wouldn’t keep waiting for me to agree to a relationship.  His response to my vocalized fears is forever tattooed to my heart as the most wonderful words I’ve ever heard:  “Ashley, as long as you are alive and not married, I will wait for you.” It wasn't long after that our prayers were answered with a God-sized thumbs up!

I am so grateful to now be in the happiest, healthiest, most Jesus-centered relationship OF MY LIFE!  He is truly everything I never knew I wanted and I am so glad that I found the right hiding place so my loving Father could help the right person find me.  When I look in his eyes, I see the plan of my loving Father.  A Father whose love is beyond comprehension – I stand in awe of Him because His plan and His timing are always perfect.  He knew exactly who I needed and when I needed him and he showed up on my doorstep in Houston, Texas all the way from Cleveland, Ohio and let me know that now that he’s found my heart – he is going to keep it forever.             

Freedom

Unforgiveness is a burden, it adds unnecessary weight to your walk with Christ.  I look at unforgiveness as an ankle weight, like the weights athletes wear while training.  When unforgiveness first takes root, you feel that burden.  But as time goes on you adjust to the extra weight and you don’t notice it as much.  All the while you are carrying an unnecessary load.

That is how my journey has been.  I had grown accustomed to the additional weight I carried because I had carried it for years so it no longer FELT like a burden, but it was.  As I continued to seek the Lord for the answers to my freedom, He spoke.  He told me to write to everyone I held unforgiveness against.  

As soon as He gave me those instructions, along came the enemy telling me that if I wrote them and told them the root of the issue then all I would do is stir up unnecessary drama and bring problems to my family.   But I knew that God had given me an instruction and I didn’t have a choice but to be obedient.  So I did, one Saturday morning I dug DEEP and God showed me the roots of a lot of hurt.  It was a long, hard, tearful morning writing those letters.  Exposing a wound is painful, but in order to have that wound healed you have to remove every trace of the infection (every poured peroxide on a cut?) 

God is so awesome, not only did He make the recipients receptive to what I had to say… They wrote me back with the most loving and encouraging words and instantly I began to feel the burden lifted.  The weight that was holding me down for years, the weight I had grown accustomed to was gone INSTANTLY.  And just like the ankle weight that athletes train with, I am stronger than I was before.  What Satan tried to use to weigh me down, God used to make me STRONG!!

Not only did I come out stronger but I came out healed.  To this day, I have not had any symptoms of the sickness that I battled for YEARS!!! God told me what was causing the sickness, I was obedient to His instructions and I AM HEALED! To God be the glory.

True deliverance only comes through Jesus., going before Him and CRYING out to Him for an answer.

Lord, why me?

A few weeks ago (maybe a few months, time is flying!) I was having a discussion with my best friend and we were talking about how much of a privilege it is to be saved at a young age. 

That discussion resonated in my mind and while I was praying and I had to stop and ask “Lord, why me?” I didn’t ask in the sense of “woe is me, why do bad things happen to me” but more in the sense "Why did you choose me?" You chose me, of the billions and billions of people in this world, Jesus – seated on His throne high above the earth – chose Ashley Lauren McFarland. The concept is overwhelming.

Grab hold of this. God loves you, with an immeasurable love. He loves you so much that He gave YOU gifts and talents, you specifically. Never underestimate or make light of what He has placed inside of you.  You may think you are insignificant but you have a key role in God's master plan for the WORLD.  The Bible says ""Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" (Jeremiah 1:5)  God knew every step you would take before you took, he knew about all your mistakes all of your short-comings all of your gifts and talents.  Never think that you have messed up so badly that God can't use you, He knew you were going to mess up before you did it and it is OKAY!  If you confess your faults to Him and turn away from ungodly things He will clean you up and use you for HIS glory.

When you put your trust in God, the sky is the limit to what He can cause you to do! You are His masterpiece, when He finished creating you He was well pleased and He is excited about your future. Seek Him first and ask Him what He wants from you. God wants to hear from you and He wants to speak to you, and what is even better… He wants to USE YOU!!! There is something you are placed on this earth for that only you can do.

Don’t compare yourselves to other people. We have different talents for a reason. Truly we are the body of Christ, everyone can’t be a hand or a foot. But those eyes and ears are pretty significant too. You are precious to Him, the apple of His eye, His bride, you are the reason He sent His only son in to the world and He is jealous for YOU. Even if you were the only person in the Universe to ever accept his offering – He STILL would have sent Jesus to die specifically for you, that is how much He loves you.

So the next time you feel insignificant and you ask God “why me?” Listen for the answer because it might just be “Why NOT you.”

Forgive, So You Can Be Free

This will be the first time I write about a situation while I am in the midst of it. "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death." Revelations 12:11

Unforgiveness can become a huge stronghold in the life of a believer.  Up until this past Sunday, I thought I was living a life FILLED with forgiveness. But God loves me enough to let me know that isn't so. 

To make the beginning of a long story very short, I have been battling a VERY annoying sickness for about 6 years.  I never went to the doctor to discover the root of it because I wanted to trust God to heal me.  However, last September this sickness was causing me to miss work so I decided to go and get myself checked out.  Went to the doctor, got the diagnoses, rebuked the report and went back to praying. 

On Sunday I woke up in pain and PLEADED with God, I asked God "why wont you heal me?! I'm trusting you, I'm standing on your word and I have been battling this sickness for 6 years" and He simply said "Because you haven't forgiven your mother." In this moment I broke down, I knew unforgiveness could cause physical sickness, but I thought I had forgiven her.  I regularly prayed for her, prayed that God would remove the unforgiveness but the seed was still planted deep in my heart.

So now my journey for true forgiveness begins.  The first step was to talk to my First Lady.  Throughout my life I have told two or three people bits and pieces of the hurt from my childhood, but never fully disclosed it.  I built up a wall to protect my heart from the "bad guys" all the while unknowingly keeping Jesus out as well. I was so afraid that if I opened up all of that hurt to someone that they would use it against me. But my desire to be completely free in Christ far surpassed the fear of hurt. So, I called my First Lady and told her EVERYTHING, and God in his infinite mercy laid things on her heart that I didn't even consciously realize I was holding on to.  She lovinglytold me "We are going to get to the root of all of this so there is nothing left over." Opening up to someone (with wisdom) is key!

"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." James 5:16
God is so awesome,  His timing, His will, and His plan are perfect!!  Not only did He place me under Godly leadership, but he gave me a Fisrt Lady after my own heart, someone who fought the same battle of unforgiveness because of similar pain from her past.

She said to me, "The only way you are going to be completely free of this is to spend TIME before God crying out to him and giving it all to Him" This was the difference, I had prayed on this situation many times before but I typically don't spend much time in prayer praying for myself because I am an intercessor.  When someone hurts you, it wounds you. And like a physical wound the deeper it is, the longer it takes to heal and the more you have to do to reach that healing.  In my attempts at forgiveness, I was putting a bandaid on a deep gash, I hid it from the light, didn't cleanse it and it became infected. That spiritual infection manifested in physical pain.

Tuesday morning was the first morning I spent all of my prayer time speaking Gods word of deliverance over MY life. The more I prayed the more I began to feel healing in my body, even as I type this the pain in my body is becoming weaker and weaker. 

For me, my unforgiveness manifested in sickness, and led to other demonic seeds of rejection and fear that have postponed my purpose in ministry. I worried for years that I wasn't ready, that the things God placed in my were too big for me to accomplish.  I talked myself into believing the things He showed me for my life were my own dreams and not His divine plans for me. But by God's grace, those seeds are being uprooted and my victory is at hand and I WILL do all that He has set before me to do (2 Peter 3:9/Jer 29:11). My life, my past and the pain that came along with it are not my own - Everything belongs to Him.

If you are holding unforgiveness, I admonish you to take this journey with me, it may be long and it may be hard but in the end it will all be worth it!!

"I now take down the ungodly walls meant to protect me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and can endure whatever is necessary that lies before me."

Click here to link to a site with anti-stronghold scriptures. I printed them off and I read OUT LOUD the "forgiveness of sins" and "deliverance" scriptures in the morning before work and in the evening before bed.

God Bless You!!!

  

A Woman's Heart

I want to start this by saying that God is so AWESOME!!!! I love Him so much, even as I’m typing I have tears in my eyes because I’m so glad he loves me enough to correct me and that He SPEAKS to me.  Moving on:

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man has to seek him first to find her*.”

These are words to live by for every Christian woman. Dating in the past, was a bit of a challenge for me.  I would meet people, give them a chance and Jesus sweetly tells me “he’s not your husband.” I end things (usually in frustration) and would go on to proclaim that “i am impatiently waiting for my husband to find me.” 

With the over active imagination God has granted me with, everywhere I would go I thought “what if I meet my husband here? What if we sit next to each in a waiting room, or bump in to each other at a grocery store, or (my personal favorite) maybe he will stop by my church see me singing during praise and worship and God will tell him ‘there she is’ and we have the spectacular movie moment where our eyes meet and we just KNOW.” While to most these may seem like innocent thoughts and dreams, but in reality it was me trying to do God’s job. 

If my heart is hidden in Christ, then my thoughts and my actions should reflect that.  God spoke to me and gave me an analogy for my “hidden heart.”  He told me that my heart is like a game of hide and seek with a small child.  I hide my heart in Him, then as soon as I realize a man is starting to look for me (i.e. I am approached and asked on a date) I easily give my “hiding place” away.  I make my heart available, only to be disappointed to find that that man wasn’t supposed to find me.  Another one comes looking and if I think they are the one and see them going the wrong direction – just like a small child – I pop out and say here I am!!  I get so anxious about wanting to be with THE ONE, that I don’t give THE ONE the opportunity to find me.  The bible says in Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife, finds a good thing.” Well if I’m giving away my hiding spot then no one is really finding me. 

When your heart is hidden in Christ, a man has NO choice but to seek God first to find you, because God is the only way to get you.  And when the wrong men start seeking after you, God will redirect them and let them know – she’s not the one for you and they wont ever find you!! We can’t be childish in our relationships and get impatient waiting for God’s match to find us. We have to be mature enough in Christ to stay hidden, consumed and so in love with Him that we don’t give away our hiding place. 

Another thing God placed on my heart was the consequences of being impatient.  Marriage is the union between two people, but a marriage creates a brand new blood line.  

God told Abraham and Sarah that they would have children; we know how the story goes.  Sarah gets impatient and tells Abraham to sleep with Hagar and Hagar gives birth to Ishmael.  Sarah later gives birth to Isaac.  Sarah and Abraham’s disobedience led to the birth of Ishmael, and thousands of years later there is still unrest between the two blood lines because Abraham and Sarah got antsy.

Your marriage doesn’t just effect you and your future husband or wife, it effects your future children.  Everyone who knows me knows I LOVE children, I adore them and I can’t wait to give birth to and/or adopt a whole team of children.  However, if I get impatient and give my heart away to the wrong man, I might give birth to some Ishmaels.  I only want Isaacs!!!

The final piece that the Lord (in all of His love and patience and glory) put on my heart is my willingness to wait.  If I am 40, still a virgin, still unmarried will I still be able to wholly serve him?  Will I feel complete enough as a single woman to still trust God that he will give me the family I’ve always wanted with the Husband of my dreams?  It is my deepest, earnest, most sincere prayer that it doesn’t take until then but yes.  I am complete in Christ with or without a man by my side. 

Ladies, and gentlemen too if you are reading this, You won’t be satisfied with a significant other if you aren’t satisfied with only having Jesus.  Until He is enough for you, no one will ever make you feel complete.  Husband and wives might let you down and if you don’t feel whole with Jesus (who will never let you down) how can you expect to feel complete with someone else?

So now, for the first time in my life when I say it’s just me and Jesus and I am content with that, I really mean it. He is my EVERYTHING, he is the greatest love I will ever know and FINALLY I can honestly say, that is enough for me.


Pasted below is a link to an AWESOME message by Pastor Brian Williams. He is Pastor of Hope City in Columbus, Ohio so if you are ever in the area stop by.  The message is on the topic of Christian dating and I encourage you to listen to it when you have time.  

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/dating-marriage-in-light-eternity/id461149420?i=111912203&mt=2

*After some research, what I thought was originally a Maya Angelou quote I believe is actually a Max Lucado quote, still not 100% sure though.

Unfailing Love

I wrote this about 3 months ago, God woke me up at about 3 am.  I never planned on posting it, but yesterday at bible study Pastor said when God gives us a word its not just for us so here I am sharing.

I was reading on the children of Israel being led from the Egyptians captivity, and I was very frustrated while reading.  I couldn’t help but be annoyed with their constant demanding from God for things to make their journey through the wilderness more bearable - proof that God hadn’t forsaken them. As if the fire by night and cloud by day leading them wasn’t enough to prove to them He hadn’t abandoned them. They needed fresh manna from heaven each day and then they asked for meat. 

Despite the fact that they traveled in the same clothing and yet their shoes didn’t get worn out after years of walking and their clothing still protected them from the elements, they still wanted to rebel against the God who answered their requests to be delivered from captivity. 

I thought to myself “If God did those miraculous signs for me I would never complain.” It was in this moment that I realized I am just like the Israelites, the 2012 edition. My frustration with the minor setbacks and minuscule disappointments in my life constantly evoke frustration against my Almighty Father. I get busy feeling like the things I suffer and the injustices in my life are so undeserved that I question God. I allow myself to get to a point where I am barely holding on to the promises in His word. In doing this, I completely disregard the blessings that surround me daily because all I see is the tiny mole hill standing in my way.

It was in this moment of criticism towards the children of Israel that I finally realized what it means to come to the end of yourself. I began to think, what if every wrongful deed i’ve ever committed resulted in some form of punishment. Suddenly I had a revelation of the extent of Gods mercy. On my own, and of myself I am useless, I am full of ungodly thoughts and malicious intentions. The little good that I do is often a result of obligation, yet God doesn’t repay my faults with punishment. 

My infrequent but somewhat blatant disregard for his commandments, doesn't yield His immediate wrath. My complaints don't render a begrudging grumble of irritation from my Father, but rather a gentle reminder that He is still looking out for me, that He holds my life in the palm of His hand and He will continue to work on my behalf if I can somehow manage to trust in Him. In this moment I realize, I want nothing of Ashley to exist, but I want to be completely taken over by God. He is, in every definition of the word, perfect. I will never find fault in Him, because in Him there is no fault.

To understand God’s love for me is impossible because God’s love isn’t something to be explained other than that is who He is. He is love. That simple, yet profound statement can never fully be comprehended. Love is patient, Love is kind, It bear all things, believes all things and hopes all things, Love never fails.  God is patient, God is kind, God never fails.

When I think of who God is, I realize what a privilege it is to be able to know Him in this capacity. To really understand that He is love, He is my hope for tomorrow, He is the reason I live, He is the reason I have anything good in my life, He is the reason why I wake up each morning, He is the reason I can carry on each day. I  genuinely hurt for those who don’t know Him in all of His greatness. I cry for those who don’t understand that no matter what they do, God will ALWAYS love them because that is who He is. God and love are one in the same, you cant have one without the other.

God is awesome, and I want nothing more than for him to remove every trace of me, and fill my being with His spirit, and His wisdom and His unfailing love.